If you have a weak stomach....
do not read this post.
Anyways, I haven't really felt like dealing with it. I still think I'm in shock because I haven't cried like I think I'm suppose to. Maybe that's why I am having headaches everyday. I duno...but I'm making sure to schedule an appointment with my regular doctor before I lose my medicaid.
So when I wrote about my miscarriage on that Saturday, I still had my baby inside of me that weekend. I was scheduled for a D&E the following Monday. The day before my surgery my doctor had proscribed me something to take to dilate my cervix around 8pm that night... Well I didn't go to sleep til about midnight and I was what I thought was cramping must have been having contractions. I went to sleep on it though.
Around 2:30 am Monday morning December 23, I started bleeding. Not just any bleeding... I felt like something was about to come out. I hit Joe and told him "I'm about to bleed" and ran to the bathroom. Something had come out and blood was running down my leg.
I sat on the toilet and saw something hanging from me, I grabbed a paper towel and pulled it from me. I had a feeling I knew what it was before I even touched it but I just was in shock. It was my baby looking at me .. in my hands. with his little arms, and hands and fingernails... his mouth open. looking at me. I think I was there for about 30 minutes before my mom and Joe came into the bathroom and told me to come on.
I felt light headed and since the last time I felt like that I knew I had to go to the e.r.. We spent all morning there. While we were there they ran test to check me, gave me medicine to stop my cramps, and also gave me my baby boy wrapped in a blue blanket. I had the doctor look and find out that we were expecting a baby boy! The first thought in my head at that time, was really?!!!! I just knew it was a girl!!!
We named him Elijah Joel Bynom. He looked just like Joe... It was crazy. I'm not going to post a full picture of Elijah due to graphic matters but I do have a few pictures I will share...
After everything I said about not knowing if I could have went through labor and actually be sane after.. I am glad that this happened. I got to meet and hold my angel. Even though I don't have closure on why he stopped breathing inside of me, & I may never know... but I know this is a common thing now and I just have to hope that God has a plan for me.
We had him cremated a few days later.